When I Grow Up

When I was a young girl I remember being asked a question over and over.  I'm sure you heard it as well and possibly even say it to children around you now.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Many of my friends answered with big elaborate occupations that sounded extremely impressive. My answer was always one thing...
                                                        ..... a mom.

And without fail I would often get another question "Well, do you want to be anything else?"

"Nope" would be my reply.  I wanted to be a mom like my mom was.

Now fast forward... to the age of 16.  I had horrible self worth and believed that I was trash so I often allowed others and myself to treat me as such.  I had a boyfriend who promised me the world and professed his desire to spend the rest of his life with me.  We had sex and SURPRISE I got pregnant!

I was shocked, horrified, scared, ashamed, guilty, and even a bit excited.  I had skipped a grade in school so I was about to graduate High School and turn 17 when I was four months along.  I made plans to marry my boyfriend and dreamt of raising my wonderful baby!

But then the worried feelings started to creep in... and my eyes started to open. Truth poured in and I didn't like it one bit.

I started to consider another option to marriage or single parenting.  I tried to dismiss the thoughts often but in that option was a ray of hope... unfortunately that hope was also surrounded by pain and fear and the requirement to sacrifice the very thing I loved most.  My child.

Through several very spiritual experiences and well-thought out considerations, I decided adoption would be whats best for my son and myself.  I wanted him to have more than I could provide...or my boyfriend.  It was very important to me that my child had both a mother and father who were prepared for him and would also love him very much.

After 5 1/2 challenging months after birth, my son finally made his way to his parents.  It was the most excruciating and heart-breaking experience of my life yet it also came with such love and peace and gratitude for bringing such an incredible little person into this world.

I did not have contact with him for 18 years but last year I was blessed to be able to reconnect.  We have an amazing relationship and I'm continually shocked to see how much we have in common through genetics.  He is amazing and I love him so much!

I married at 18 and didn't have my next child for ansother 5 1/2 years.  I had a son and I completely fell in love with him!  There were strange moments where I would be hit with intense grief because of lost time with my first born but luckily the sweetness of holding my new baby would help me through those times. He is now 14 years old and towers over me!  I call him "Tallboy" (think of Princess Bride ... "Farmboy") and I constantly ask him to "fetch" items high in my cupboard.  He always helps me willingly and joyfully.  It's a beautiful gift he has.

Next I had a daughter, who is now 12.  She has been such a delight in my life.  I used to always say I could raise a dozen more kids at the same time if they had her temperament (well... until this last new teenager phase - whew!  Hang on to your hat with teenagers!) But she is cheerful, kind, creative, and a wonderful help to her younger siblings.

A year after I had my daughter, I went through a divorce.  Divorce can be one of the MOST shattering things to your life.  It was so painful and I felt broken and lost.  I quickly dated someone I knew from Jr High and got married.

Looking back, I probably should have waited to heal myself before entering a new marriage.  There were many difficulties trying to combine me and 2 littles with a man who had been living alone for awhile.

But I am glad I made the choice I did.  I have been married for 11 years and although there have been many challenges, I am continually amazed and grateful for my husband's determination to work on our marriage and family.  I feel very loved.

We have had 3 other children... a 9 year boy named Duke (who looks just like his dad and I LOVE it!).  He is a mellow kid but also has the funniest personality ever!  We share the same humor and he constantly makes me laugh.  He is also a cuddler, a brilliant lego builder, and a very kind-hearted child who cannot stand to see human cruelty of any kind.

Next, came our 7 year old daughter named Lillia.  She was BORN for the stage!  No kidding!  Her voice projection, constant singing, dancing, acting, and inventing new ways to entertain are part of every moment of every day. When she talks her eyes light up and she shines with passion for life.  She is also a little romantic and always loves to hear about love stories.

Last, but certainly not least is my youngest daughter, Vivian.  She is 19 months old.  I was totally shocked and a bit traumatized thinking I was going to enter the world of babies again, but once she came into this world, all my worries melted away. She has been the best little gift to our family and she brings so much joy into our home.  She LOVES taking selfies with my iPhone.

Although I had always wanted to be a mom, it is not always easy. At first, I threw myself into parenting and completely lost myself.  Then there have also been times I work too much.  So I am always learning the delicate balance of motherhood.

I can be an awesome mom, and a not-so-awesome mom.  Sometimes I lose my temper, say swear words, get tired, feed them cereal for dinner. But I learn from my mistakes, love them more, say sorry, and keep on trying to do better and better each day.  

I am grateful for many other mothers that are a beautiful example to me.  

I feel love and support for women who have experienced loss or infertility and they teach me many things.  

I'm grateful for my son's mother because without her struggles with infertility she wouldn't have been looking for my son and I wouldn't have the beautiful relationship I have with her now.  

I'm also very grateful for the women who do not have children but who serve in various mothering roles (teachers, friends, neighbors, aunts, you name it!).  

Having children is different for all... and many don't have the easy road to having them.  But hopefully, even if you didn't answer "mom" when asked what you wanted to be when you grew up, I hope that you are able to call yourself it now - no matter the circumstances around it.  I believe the definition of "mother" should extend to include any female who shows unconditional love to a child or nurtures others.

Feeling Naked

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About 8 years ago I felt like I needed to start openly talking about my experiences as a birthmom (I placed a son for adoption almost 20 years ago).  I started by volunteering at a local adoption agency and participating in their support groups for other pregnant young women considering adoption and other birthmoms (this is right when I met Katelyn).  Shortly after volunteering I began speaking and sharing my experience to audiences all over Utah and Wyoming and at adoption conferences.  

At the beginning whenever I would share my life experiences (because they included so much more than just adoption) I would need to recover for about 3 days.  Numerous emotions would surface and I would doubt the reasons I shared them.  It wasn't fun to talk about my struggles and pains.  

So one night after returning home from a speaking engagement, I started to cry... and cry... and cry.  I looked up and cried to God.  

"Why do I have to share these hard things?  They hurt and I don't want to anymore".  

I felt like I was waving my dirty laundry for the whole world to see.  I felt exposed.  I felt naked on the inside.... and it was very uncomfortable.

The answer I received next was surprisingly to say the least.  In my mind, I heard the words "This experience is no longer yours".  

My mind opened in wonderment.  If the experiences were no longer mine and almost didn't belong to me anymore, then WHO are they for?  

This is the moment I understood that once I have experienced challenges and pains of many kinds then it is almost my responsibility to share them (when prompted to do so) with others who might need it now.  

I strongly believe we are all connected and we can help a lot of people by sharing the lessons we learn or simply to help comfort when only we can (because we've gone through something similar).  

A while ago I studied the word Courage and the Latin root it comes from. . 

The first part comes from Cor or Cordis which means:

Cor/Cordis 

noun

• Definitions:
• 1. heart
• 2. intellect/judgment
• 3. mind/soul/spirit
• 4. souls/persons (pl.)

• Source
• 
  

The last part of the word comes from the latin suffix "age" which means "the act, the result of, or state of".  

Quite literally COURAGE means the act of sharing your heart, intellect, judgment, mind, soul, spirit and soul.  

When you are sharing your personal experiences you are showing great courage and strength.  You may have an occasional negative reaction from someone... but I say ignore them.  Because MORE often than not you will get waves of people thanking you for your vulnerability and authenticity.  This is the place we serve from.  

Sharing your life, your experiences, and challenges also bring a feeling of freedom.  It liberates you from the opinions of others.

It reminds me of a quote I heard once "What other people think of me is none of my business".  So true.

We all have pain.
We have all made mistakes.
We all struggle at times.
We all hurt.
And it all is a little more bearable with people to share in that journey.  Please be open to sharing more, mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those who need comfort.

One of the things I love most about the purpose of this website is to provide a place where we can all openly share our challenges and difficulties and then be a support to others who are struggling with something similar. We are ALL ONE in purpose and are lionesses at the gate of our homes. 

Zen Room How To

Up until a few years ago, I strongly disliked decorating.  And here's why...

First, of all I am the daughter of one of those "super-human-get-everything-done-and-the-house-is-perfectly-clean-and-decorated" moms.  During Sunday dinner my mom goes all out with a tablecloth masterpiece tier; complete with a centerpiece, matching serving dishes, and color coordinated napkins.  So this is the expectation I learned to set in my home.

Then there is this other side of me that hates doing things that everyone else is doing.  If it's trendy and popular... you better bet that you will not see me doing it (strange I know - I have this thing about being original and different but I will save that story for another blog post) So I really struggled finding ideas in all the popular magazines.

With that combination, I was always afraid to do it "wrong" or it wouldn't look perfect and I didn't know what else to do because all the advice given was how to do it in a way I didn't like.

Exhausting, I know.   

I genuinely tried for many years and it was such an annoyance until I started to learn about energy.
Energy, you ask?
Why yes, studying energy taught me to love decorating my home.

It started with a few books on Feng Shui, then from a meditation mentor who taught me about my responsibility for the energy in my environment, and then I studied the science of energy and light.

I have come up with a few tips to help you decorate in a way that will make your soul sing and change the way your home feels:

1- Tap into WHO You Are.
Choose things in your home that represent you and your family.  Make your home an extension of yourself.  Don't be afraid to let it (aka YOU) all out! What is your style from the inside out?

2- Surround Yourself with Items that Make Your Soul Happy.
Don't think about what is "cool" or the popular thing to do.  How does it make you FEEL?   What colors, designs, and items make you happy?  Is there anything that is symbolic in your life that reminds you of things you love?  Some of my decorations make me laugh... because I have included plastic fake flowers that my children have given me on Mother's Day, or a rock my kids found and gave to me on a hike, etc. But they are things I love because they remind me of people and memories I love, too.

3. Get Rid of EVERYTHING That Has a Negative Energy. 
Yes, I mean everything.  Even if it's a family heirloom, a gift, something you like, etc.  If it feels yucky, or has a negative emotion/energy, or bad memory attached, then you do not want it in your space.  It will affect you, even subconsciously.   You can try to send love and prayers to the item and try to heal whatever negativity is there, but if your feelings about it do not change, then please remove it from your environment.

5. Add Living Energy as Much as Possible.
Since everything is energy you will want to decorate with items that have as much "life" to the energy as possible.  Some examples would be a lot of plants (alive is better than fake - but I tend to kill plants so I do have a lot of fake), hand made vs factory, hand painted vs printed, words, energy, water, nature, rocks, or anything from the earth has more alive energy.

I love everything in this room.  I've nicknamed it my "Zen room" because of the feeling it has.  Everything in the room I love and has a very positive feel to it.  

The Egyptian painting is hand-painted on papyrus,  I have 2 living plants and one fake in the middle.  The black thing on the right is a waterfall if I'm in the mood to hear running water, there is a hand carved Mayan calendar on the fireplace. 

That bowl is full of my favorite rocks, the birdhouse my son made, the owl was my grandmother's, the word's are meaningful to me (on the signage).  

4. Decorate and Align Your Furniture in a Way that Allows Energy to Flow.
Turn things at an angle, add plants to corners of the room, choose oval or rounded edges if needed, etc. Imagine the energy traveling through your space, are there any areas where the energy would get stuck or feel stagnant?  Another important element to this, is to remove clutter or anything that will attract stressed and chaotic energy AND simplify and minimize the number of items you keep in a specific space.

Notice how the chair is turned sideways with a plant in the corner.  The energy moves along the angle of the furniture. 

6.  Add Light (preferably natural) as Much as Possible.
Light helps with mental clarity, relieves depression, makes you feel happier, and makes the space feel cleaner and brighter.

This corner was so dark and dreary so I added a lamp.  Also a plant at the bottom helps keep the energy moving and not getting "stuck" in the corner

I'm amazed at how many people compliment areas I've decorated using these principles.  Even though my decorations themselves are not the nicest, I believe people can feel the energy of the space as much as I can.  I have turned many areas in my home into an environment I love!!  The other areas... I'm working on them (although some are due to design issues in the home but I will have to address those the next time I move - haha!) 

IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT ENERGY:
- Everything is made up of energy.  Our bodies, furniture, plants, decorations, light, etc.
- Energy can leave imprints.  Positive or negative energy can leave an impression on items and your environment.
- Our thoughts and feelings are a form of energy.  They can be sent through waves that travel through our energetic and magnetic fields.  So we have some control over the energy we bring into a space.
- Energy/Light can travel through waves or particles.
- Sunlight and light have scientifically proven benefits for us both physically and emotionally.

I hope these tips help you like they've helped me... and if they do - PLEASE let us know and leave a comment below. :)

~ Martina ~