When I Grow Up

When I was a young girl I remember being asked a question over and over.  I'm sure you heard it as well and possibly even say it to children around you now.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Many of my friends answered with big elaborate occupations that sounded extremely impressive. My answer was always one thing...
                                                        ..... a mom.

And without fail I would often get another question "Well, do you want to be anything else?"

"Nope" would be my reply.  I wanted to be a mom like my mom was.

Now fast forward... to the age of 16.  I had horrible self worth and believed that I was trash so I often allowed others and myself to treat me as such.  I had a boyfriend who promised me the world and professed his desire to spend the rest of his life with me.  We had sex and SURPRISE I got pregnant!

I was shocked, horrified, scared, ashamed, guilty, and even a bit excited.  I had skipped a grade in school so I was about to graduate High School and turn 17 when I was four months along.  I made plans to marry my boyfriend and dreamt of raising my wonderful baby!

But then the worried feelings started to creep in... and my eyes started to open. Truth poured in and I didn't like it one bit.

I started to consider another option to marriage or single parenting.  I tried to dismiss the thoughts often but in that option was a ray of hope... unfortunately that hope was also surrounded by pain and fear and the requirement to sacrifice the very thing I loved most.  My child.

Through several very spiritual experiences and well-thought out considerations, I decided adoption would be whats best for my son and myself.  I wanted him to have more than I could provide...or my boyfriend.  It was very important to me that my child had both a mother and father who were prepared for him and would also love him very much.

After 5 1/2 challenging months after birth, my son finally made his way to his parents.  It was the most excruciating and heart-breaking experience of my life yet it also came with such love and peace and gratitude for bringing such an incredible little person into this world.

I did not have contact with him for 18 years but last year I was blessed to be able to reconnect.  We have an amazing relationship and I'm continually shocked to see how much we have in common through genetics.  He is amazing and I love him so much!

I married at 18 and didn't have my next child for ansother 5 1/2 years.  I had a son and I completely fell in love with him!  There were strange moments where I would be hit with intense grief because of lost time with my first born but luckily the sweetness of holding my new baby would help me through those times. He is now 14 years old and towers over me!  I call him "Tallboy" (think of Princess Bride ... "Farmboy") and I constantly ask him to "fetch" items high in my cupboard.  He always helps me willingly and joyfully.  It's a beautiful gift he has.

Next I had a daughter, who is now 12.  She has been such a delight in my life.  I used to always say I could raise a dozen more kids at the same time if they had her temperament (well... until this last new teenager phase - whew!  Hang on to your hat with teenagers!) But she is cheerful, kind, creative, and a wonderful help to her younger siblings.

A year after I had my daughter, I went through a divorce.  Divorce can be one of the MOST shattering things to your life.  It was so painful and I felt broken and lost.  I quickly dated someone I knew from Jr High and got married.

Looking back, I probably should have waited to heal myself before entering a new marriage.  There were many difficulties trying to combine me and 2 littles with a man who had been living alone for awhile.

But I am glad I made the choice I did.  I have been married for 11 years and although there have been many challenges, I am continually amazed and grateful for my husband's determination to work on our marriage and family.  I feel very loved.

We have had 3 other children... a 9 year boy named Duke (who looks just like his dad and I LOVE it!).  He is a mellow kid but also has the funniest personality ever!  We share the same humor and he constantly makes me laugh.  He is also a cuddler, a brilliant lego builder, and a very kind-hearted child who cannot stand to see human cruelty of any kind.

Next, came our 7 year old daughter named Lillia.  She was BORN for the stage!  No kidding!  Her voice projection, constant singing, dancing, acting, and inventing new ways to entertain are part of every moment of every day. When she talks her eyes light up and she shines with passion for life.  She is also a little romantic and always loves to hear about love stories.

Last, but certainly not least is my youngest daughter, Vivian.  She is 19 months old.  I was totally shocked and a bit traumatized thinking I was going to enter the world of babies again, but once she came into this world, all my worries melted away. She has been the best little gift to our family and she brings so much joy into our home.  She LOVES taking selfies with my iPhone.

Although I had always wanted to be a mom, it is not always easy. At first, I threw myself into parenting and completely lost myself.  Then there have also been times I work too much.  So I am always learning the delicate balance of motherhood.

I can be an awesome mom, and a not-so-awesome mom.  Sometimes I lose my temper, say swear words, get tired, feed them cereal for dinner. But I learn from my mistakes, love them more, say sorry, and keep on trying to do better and better each day.  

I am grateful for many other mothers that are a beautiful example to me.  

I feel love and support for women who have experienced loss or infertility and they teach me many things.  

I'm grateful for my son's mother because without her struggles with infertility she wouldn't have been looking for my son and I wouldn't have the beautiful relationship I have with her now.  

I'm also very grateful for the women who do not have children but who serve in various mothering roles (teachers, friends, neighbors, aunts, you name it!).  

Having children is different for all... and many don't have the easy road to having them.  But hopefully, even if you didn't answer "mom" when asked what you wanted to be when you grew up, I hope that you are able to call yourself it now - no matter the circumstances around it.  I believe the definition of "mother" should extend to include any female who shows unconditional love to a child or nurtures others.

I love us!

I say this all the time to my little family. I LOVE US! I love us because I have so much to be grateful for. I love that we can all be together, do silly things, have fun, be an eternal family.

Two years after being married, my husband and I decided to take a leap and go off all forms of birth control. It actually went more like "Hey dude, I don't want to be on this stuff anymore; are you ok with that?" And after talking it out for a while, he decided it was the right thing to do. I spent those first two years, being unbalanced, hormonal, emotional; three things that I had never been before in my life. So when I went off the birth control, it wasn't really a surprise that I felt instantly better. But a few months into "trying" and nothing was happening. We started seeing doctors. I started getting blood tests, and we learned that I had a few problems. I have PCOS and Endometriosis. So we saw more doctors and had more tests and started the road of infertility. 

After five years of infertility, I was exhausted. I was tired of surgeries, blood tests, medication, waiting for hours in doctors offices. I was ready to make a change. We started talking about adoption, and for a while it didn't feel right. There was never that moment of "We need to do this." Until one day, I made a decision to start the process on my own. I was going to start the home study process, until I stopped myself to pray about if this was the right thing to do. I was one word into my silent prayer when I got a huge "WAIT!" I was devastated. I didn't want to wait anymore. Hadn't I been waiting long enough? Well I waited. And it was maybe two months later when I got a call from a friend saying that her sister was pregnant

and was thinking about placing her child for adoption and were we interested. After a quick conversation about it with my husband, we decided to go for it. We sent a quick and dirty letter and photos to our friend. To make a long story short, we were chosen, and only a month later we were holding our little boy and taking him home with us. 

And now three years later, here we are. We have a gorgeous, fun-loving, crazy, friendly, sweet little boy who keeps us stocked up on too-tight hugs, eskimo kisses, and snuggles. I know that our family isn't complete yet, and we are working on it. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to write a post about that. But no matter what happens, I will always love us. I know that I am lucky and blessed. 

But I also know that all of this is and always will be hard work. Keeping a family together and happy and fed and fully dressed takes a lot of work. It is a work that I love doing (ok maybe not the cooking part, but I have an awesome husband who does that.) Adoption takes a lot of work. There are a lot of people who deserve to be a part of our family, and we have worked hard to make that all work, and let's be honest, sometimes it doesn't work that well. I know that I will spend my life working hard for my family, but I also know that there are innumerable blessings because of that hard work. And that is why I love this quote by Harold B. Lee, "The most important work you will ever do, will be within the walls of your own home." 

You can download and print out your own copy of this by clicking on the link below. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7mb7BBiWHaVdDEwc2w3ZEh6X1U/view?usp=sharing

Feeling Naked

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About 8 years ago I felt like I needed to start openly talking about my experiences as a birthmom (I placed a son for adoption almost 20 years ago).  I started by volunteering at a local adoption agency and participating in their support groups for other pregnant young women considering adoption and other birthmoms (this is right when I met Katelyn).  Shortly after volunteering I began speaking and sharing my experience to audiences all over Utah and Wyoming and at adoption conferences.  

At the beginning whenever I would share my life experiences (because they included so much more than just adoption) I would need to recover for about 3 days.  Numerous emotions would surface and I would doubt the reasons I shared them.  It wasn't fun to talk about my struggles and pains.  

So one night after returning home from a speaking engagement, I started to cry... and cry... and cry.  I looked up and cried to God.  

"Why do I have to share these hard things?  They hurt and I don't want to anymore".  

I felt like I was waving my dirty laundry for the whole world to see.  I felt exposed.  I felt naked on the inside.... and it was very uncomfortable.

The answer I received next was surprisingly to say the least.  In my mind, I heard the words "This experience is no longer yours".  

My mind opened in wonderment.  If the experiences were no longer mine and almost didn't belong to me anymore, then WHO are they for?  

This is the moment I understood that once I have experienced challenges and pains of many kinds then it is almost my responsibility to share them (when prompted to do so) with others who might need it now.  

I strongly believe we are all connected and we can help a lot of people by sharing the lessons we learn or simply to help comfort when only we can (because we've gone through something similar).  

A while ago I studied the word Courage and the Latin root it comes from. . 

The first part comes from Cor or Cordis which means:

Cor/Cordis 

noun

• Definitions:
• 1. heart
• 2. intellect/judgment
• 3. mind/soul/spirit
• 4. souls/persons (pl.)

• Source
• 
  

The last part of the word comes from the latin suffix "age" which means "the act, the result of, or state of".  

Quite literally COURAGE means the act of sharing your heart, intellect, judgment, mind, soul, spirit and soul.  

When you are sharing your personal experiences you are showing great courage and strength.  You may have an occasional negative reaction from someone... but I say ignore them.  Because MORE often than not you will get waves of people thanking you for your vulnerability and authenticity.  This is the place we serve from.  

Sharing your life, your experiences, and challenges also bring a feeling of freedom.  It liberates you from the opinions of others.

It reminds me of a quote I heard once "What other people think of me is none of my business".  So true.

We all have pain.
We have all made mistakes.
We all struggle at times.
We all hurt.
And it all is a little more bearable with people to share in that journey.  Please be open to sharing more, mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those who need comfort.

One of the things I love most about the purpose of this website is to provide a place where we can all openly share our challenges and difficulties and then be a support to others who are struggling with something similar. We are ALL ONE in purpose and are lionesses at the gate of our homes. 

Shaw-some sauce

To understand my family you must first understand the lessons that each of our children have taught us.  Lessons that have not been easy by any means.  Lessons that in the midst of them pushed us to the breaking point.

Lesson 1 UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Ally Age 6

This is Ally, she made me a birth mother.  She is one of the biggest miracles of my life.  At the tender age of 7 she has changed me far more than any other person in my life.  She has made me realize that my children are the world to me.  Ally was born on May 10, 2007 and placed into her earthly mothers arms on May 14, 2007.  I am so blessed to have an open adoption and have been able to watch her grow into the most amazing little lady in the world.  Her laugh is contagious, her smile vibrant, and her love for everything is just simply mind blowing.

Lesson 2 PATIENCE

Cayden age 2 Photo Credit: Lindsay Jane Studios

Cayden is our oldest (he's 7).  I was blessed to become his mother through the miracle of Adoption.  Wait, you mind is wondering "how does that work?"  Two kids, both 7, both from adoption?  I met my husband, who was a single father, when Cayden was 2.  In August of 2009 we were married and in August of 2010 I legally adopted Cayden.  I knew the moment I spent time with Cayden I was meant to be his mother.  However his birth mother was still currently in his life.  Over a period of 6 months his life was changed dramatically in ways that I wish would have been different.  Choices were made by individuals in Cayden's life that left in him harmful situations.  My mother instincts kicked in and we served his birth mother with termination papers.  The day she signed her rights away should have been a joyous day for me.  It wasn't.  Simply put, it was painful, heart breaking, traumatic, and life changing.  Over the next 2 years Cayden's relationship would evolve with his birth mother, eventually resulting in a mostly closed adoption.  I want to fix things now for him.  I want him to have a perfect relationship with his birth mother.  I want her desire to have a relationship with Cayden to be there just as much as mine is with Ally.  I want things done NOW . . . only problem is . . . NOW isn't the right time.  I've learned that I wasn't blessed with the virtue of patience.  The Lord brought Cayden into my life the way he did, to teach me.  To help me become the mother that Cayden needs me to be.

LESSON 3 FORGIVENESS

Last visit with Bryer, Nov 2009

Bryer was part of our life for a brief 3 months.  She was born in August of 2009, it's amazing to think she just turned 5.  Bryer made me a step-mother.  She currently lives with her mother.  Just as with any child involved in a divorce, things can get messy.  Bryer's life, even before she was born, was messy.  Her mother and father didn't see eye to eye on a few things and because of Utah laws her mother had most of the say.  Choices were made with reagrds to Bryer's relationship with her father, brothers, and step-mother that I may not agree with.  One of the hardest lessons that we have had to learn in our journey of parenting is forgiveness.  We have had to forgive Bryer's mothers for not allowing her to be part of our family.  We have had to forgive Bryer's mother for not allowing us to give her the love that we so readily feel for her.  We have had to forgive each other for any hurt or pain we hold the other person responsible for when it comes to the whole that is in our family because Bryer isn't there.  

Lesson 4 FAITH

Jaxson age 2 Photo Credit: Liybie Cerar

After the loss of 3 pregnancies I was starting to feel like adding to our families was never going to happen.  Lucky for us this little nugget came along and has blessed us in so many ways.  However the blessings haven't been without trial that is for sure.  The first year of Jaxson's life I don't really remember.  The day he came home from the hospital Cayden went to the hospital for Norwalk virus.  It seems like that set a pattern for the next 2 years of his life.  Illness ran our lives for the first little bit.  I was very sick for the first 6 months of Jaxson's life.  At the point that I started healing he started going down hill.  He stopped gaining weight, started coughing constantly, and wasn't sleeping through the night.  He was diagnosed with Reactive Airway Disease as well as Chronic Pneumonia.  After 4 months of  constant antibiotics, steroids, and doctors failing to help my child I turned to a friend for help.  Jaxson is the sole reason I became a Foot Zonologist.  It is because of foot zoning that we were able to figure out some dietary changes to make to help him.  However his life would again be touched by physical trials with a severe reaction to vaccines at 18 months.  The reaction resulted in Verbal Apraxia, more allergies, and severe digestive issues.  Jaxson has done so many hard things in his short life.  In the last few months his life changed dramatically, this time for the better.  Jaxson was accepted into the Northern Utah Autism Program.  He attends a special preschool each week for 25 hours.  He is becoming a different child.  He is saying, doing, and participating in ways I've never seen before.  He truly has taught me that "Faith in the Lord includes Faith in his timing." 

My Little Family

I love my little family!  They are my everything.  I'll introduce you to them and I know that you'll love them too. 

I've been married to my husband, Mr. McHot Nerd, for over 10 years now.  He proposed to me in my favorite Chinese restaurant  The food was amazing but it was so loud that when he popped the question I couldn't hear him.  I leaned over to him and said "what did you say?".  Luckily he wrote me a 3 page love letter to make up for the non-romantic setting.  At the bottom of the letter it said

PS- will you marry me?

Circle one: yes or yes

We sure know how to push each others buttons but I still love my Mr. McHot Nerd and the sweet, funny, gentle man that he is.  (His pet name for me is Nerdette, we are so corny!)

We have 4 boys, still hoping to one day add a little princess but until then I'm loving all of the sports games, Legos, wrestling, Star Wars and monster trucks in our home.

Photo Credit: Sharon Crown Photography

Bobby is our oldest.  He would have turned 9 in August.  He was born with a rare heart defect and only lived for 11 days.  He lived his entire life at Primary Children's Medical Center and was never able to come home.  We saw many miracles in those 11 days, one of my favorite miracles was being able to hold him for 2 minute while he was alive.  Due to his condition, we could only hold his hands or touch his feet at PCMC.  But luckily before life flight came to take him into surgery, I was able to hold him in my arms and kiss him with out any wires or tubes being attached to him.  I will always have a special place in heart for Bobby because he made me a mother.

Ted is our second little boy and he would be turning 8 next month.  (Bobby and Ted were 15 months apart.) He was also born with a rare heart defect but he also had bowel problems that required a colostomy bag.  Even with all of his health issues he was such a happy little guy.  You could always find him smiling, laughing and just being so content with life.  He loved cell phones, remote controls and his daddy.  We had 9 1/2 beautiful months with Ted; he was then called home to heaven to be reunited with his older brother.  I find so much peace knowing that my 2 angels are together and watching over our family.

Photo Credit: Sharon Crown Photogarphy

Liam came to us through the wonderful miracle of adoption.  He was placed in our arms at 4 days old.  He is now 6 yrs old.  You can often find him telling knock-knock jokes, playing football or baseball, watching BYU sports or snuggling with family members.  He loves music and has been playing the violin for over a year now.  He's my big helper and is always asking if he can help me chop veggies for dinner.  Liam brought so much peace and comfort to a heart broken mommy.  His birthmom is an angel and we are so grateful to her for her love and sacrifice.

Stanley is our baby and so full of life!  He also came to us through the blessing of adoption.  He is 3 yrs old and is always coming up with the best phrases.  One of the best was when he told my mom that she should be the "wicked witch of the west" for Halloween.  He followed up with "But make sure yous have a gween face alwight".  Stanley is all boy and loves every sport that has a ball.  His favorite thing to do is catch butterflies or any kind of bug.  We have an open adoption with his birthmom (she is awesome!) and love that he will always have a relationship with her. 

We like to say that we have 2 angels and 2 miracles.  Our children have brought so much love and happiness with a lot of stress and craziness.  Wouldn't trade any of it!



We Rise By Lifting Others

Have you ever had one of “those” days, where no matter what you do there seems to be a negative force pulling against you? One of those days where the laundry keeps multiplying, the little ones keep fighting, the house just can’t seem to stay clean, the toilet has overflowed again, you’ve burnt the macaroni and cheese because the phone rang at the wrong time, the dog just ran through the house after taking a mud bath, an extra bill came in the mail that your budget didn’t plan for, the car breaks down and need to be fixed, you’re husband is working late and you just need a little peace and quiet! You know. . .one of “those” days.

We all have them. They come in many forms but they are there none the less. It’s on days like this that I am truly grateful for small random acts of kindness:

• The extra help in the grocery store when you’re kids are screaming, you’re at the check out line, you can’t find your debit card and the women behind you pays for your groceries.
• A note sent by a neighbor thanking you always waving as you drive by. 
• The loaf of homemade bread that a friend drops by just to say “I’m thinking of you”
• Giving someone who is homeless a granola bar and bottle of water because you have extra
• When a friend calls and says “Let me babysit your children tonight” so you can have a much needed date night with your spouse.
• Paying a compliment to another mom because you know how difficult being a mom can be sometimes.

We all need those ‘gifts’, those random acts of kindness that truly remind us that we are not alone. We are all moms in the trenches of life trying to raise children in this ever changing world. We need to step up to the plate, so to speak, and remember to pay it forward.

I love the end of that quote “...you get what you give so give good.” The grammar might not be perfect but the message is. We need to give. We need to help. We need each other because it is only by lifting others that we can truly rise.


There are so many ways that we can pay it forward. Here are a few examples:

If you are unsure of where to start, here is a situation near and dear to my heart. I have a very good friend that is in need of these acts of service. She and her husband are in the mist a tremendous trial. They are an adoptive family that is in the midst of a 3+ year contested adoption. They are still waiting for a verdict from the supreme court to see if they can officially adopt their baby. He is now 3 years old and has been with them since birth. You can imagine the emotional and financial stress that accompanies 3 years of lawyer and court fees. If you are able, please help them out and pay it forward. Anything from $1-$500 will help this beautiful family.

Visit: www.abbafund.org/teamspray/ to donate.

Let’s make someones day a little better! Let’s join forces and buoy each other up in our times of need.

-Roué Anne